Perceptions
by Mayushii
Summary: "I won't lie and say this was beyond my control. I'm not so hopelessly delusional as that." Kurama's POV, spans entire series. Shonen-ai, Kurama/Hiei and other pairings.
1. a many splendored thing

Perceptions

by Mayushii

All copyright materials are property of their respective owners.

A/N: This is just a little something I started a while back. I was working on the next chapter of "Guard" and a certain food-porn-centric giftfic, and this ended up being finished instead. -_-; Rating is for flash-lemons, violence and disturbing imagery in later chapters.

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_**-Love is a many splendored thing-**_

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had fallen for someone else.

I won't lie and say that this was beyond my control; I'm not so hopelessly delusional as that. We _can _choose the objects of our affection. The initial attraction is out of our hands, but we are more than capable of resisting our first impulses. Just as you can keep yourself from punching someone who really deserves it, you can keep yourself from loving someone who isn't worthy.

My problem is that I never tried to resist. I _welcomed _this love. I became conscious of such feelings only after my rebirth as a human, but they brought me so many good things in such a short period of time. When I would have escaped to Makai as a child, my love for my human mother kept me from going through with my plans. Staying at Shiori's side and playing the part of Shuichi Minamino kept me safe and happy, and so it was for the best that love had held me back. Then, when I faced a prison sentence for stealing the Ankokukyo, my motives were what convinced Koenma to lessen my punishment. He allowed me to work with the Reikai Tantei and make friends. I loved every one of my new friends, and they loved me, helping me grow as a person and doing things for me that no one else ever would. Love certainly had been good to me.

Perhaps love is only so kind when it is directed toward humans.

Thinking about it now, I'm not sure why I was drawn to Hiei. Maybe it was because we were both youkai forced to stay in the human world. I had spent hundreds of years as a youko, but it had been a superficial existence. It was only when I was reborn in Ningenkai that my emotions deepened. Though Hiei denied it and hid behind a mask of apathy, I knew that the humans were affecting him the same way they had affected me. I knew that he was feeling more than he had ever felt, and that it confused and frightened him. In my eyes, we were very much alike. I think that is why I was so set on him.

I wanted to be the person who taught him the joys of emotion. I wanted to make him smile, comfort him when he was upset or scared. I wanted him to trust me with his pain, his fears, his passions… But most of all, I wanted to teach him to embrace that emotion that had brought me such good fortune.

He showed his first hint of true happiness at the Gate of Betrayal. Just after Hiei saved us from the collapsing ceiling, Yusuke patted him on the shoulder and joked with him.

"_I knew you'd save us, you punk! You did have me worried though. Hell of an actor—you know, not everyone could pretend to laugh at their dying friends."_

Hiei turned away, but I saw a small twitch of his mouth at the word "friend." I shrugged it off, guessing it was an arrogant smirk. Yet it stuck in the back of my mind, bothering me from time to time. Some part of me knew it had been a truly happy smile—the first I had ever seen him give. However reluctant, Hiei had felt his first positive emotions because of Yusuke. I was a little wounded that he hadn't given that smile to me, but it encouraged me at the same time.

Later, when Seiryu killed Byakko, Hiei experienced something else: pity. He felt sympathy for the wounded tiger who, after coming to its comrade for help, was tossed aside like a weapon that had lost its edge. When Hiei grimly stepped forward and cast his black coat over the tiger's severed head, I felt a shiver run down my spine. It was only after Hiei's energy reached visible levels that I realized I was sensing pure vengeance in the air around him. Vengeance—not the mindless need to destroy that consumes so many of our kind, but an anger with cause and with purpose. Watching the hot energy simmering around his body, I thought that it was breathtaking.

The most remarkable of the emotions he showed during that mission surfaced when we stood triumphant at the top of Maze Castle. While Kuwabara frantically tried to resuscitate Yusuke, Hiei turned to me and raised an eyebrow, saying that he didn't understand why Yusuke had sacrificed his life to save Keiko's. There were traces of curiosity and interest mingled with his scorn, and I softly answered that such selfless acts were common in the human world.

"_Maybe for a person who's lived there," _Hiei scoffed, _"but I'd never do it. The challenge is enough without picking up someone else's slack."_

But Hiei had been living in Ningenkai for nearly a year now, and looking at his proud, stubborn profile, I thought that he probably understood more than he claimed.

Then came the day when we rescued his sister. I watched from the shadows as Hiei, enraged by the pain his sister had been put through, pummeled the human who had tortured her. Once again he was driven to avenge another's suffering. Yet when the frail little ice maiden begged him not burden her with more images of violence, Hiei bent to her will.

"_I won't make you cry," _he promised her. _"He's too worthless for that."_

Then he gave Yukina a smile filled with all the warmth and tenderness I could have imagined. It was so open, so very sweet. I could barely contain my joy at witnessing this small miracle. But once his dear sister left and I revealed my presence, Hiei quickly turned away from me. He told me to stop covering up my spirit energy and coming near him, that it was in poor taste. I could still see his reflection in the observation window as he watched Yukina run to help Kuwabara, but it hurt knowing that he didn't want to share that smile with me.

Hiei tried to guard his feelings, but as he settled in and grew accustomed to being part of a group, his defenses started to slip. He smiled with satisfaction whenever he managed to bait Kuwabara, and once or twice Yusuke even made him laugh. Every time his frowning lips curved upward, every time his brooding voice lightened with laughter, I felt the same pleasure as when a rosebud opens its petals to peer at the world for the first time. But why wouldn't his eyes open up for _me?_ I had known Hiei for months before Yusuke met him, and though we seemed to make good partners, Hiei refused to show me any real emotions. Perhaps he just didn't want a youkai to know that he was being undone by human sentimentality. I did everything I could to get closer, but the harder I tried the more he shut me out. As the months slipped by, my frustration grew.

No matter what I did, he never smiled for me. Not once.

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The second chapter should be out next week. Please leave a review. :)


	2. a higher burning desire

Perceptions

by Mayushii

All copyright materials are property of their respective owners.

A/N: Thanks go to **Avid Reader**, **Little Sadako**, **lesfriendly**, and **Lady in Grey **for their reviews last chapter. It always helps me write when I know that people are actually reading my stories. Here's chapter two, which takes place after Rescue Yukina and before the first round of the Dark Tournament. Needless to say, I thought the two months that pass in _less than a minute _in the anime could use some expansion.

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_**-Love is a higher burning desire-**_

I'm sure it must sound strange when I say that my youkai soul first was drawn to Hiei's spirit. Many would assume my humanity alone was what made me love him. It is understandable; after all, without human conditioning I wouldn't have been able to conceive of love. In truth, though, I would not have cared for Hiei nearly so much if I hadn't been a youkai first. Our pasts were what bound us together, heavy chains forged from common links of battle and betrayal. I could never have loved him the way I did if we hadn't shared that common bond. So it was my old youkai soul that treasured Hiei's smile and his passion, marks of growing emotional strength which would help him bear the weight of his past.

It took a while for my body to catch up to my spirit. I was attracted to him physically, but for a long time I stubbornly refused to acknowledge those desires. How could I allow my thoughts to wander to Hiei's body when I knew he loathed being touched? Even thinking about physical contact would be an act of betrayal. Not wanting to discomfit him, I resolved to set aside my own needs and forced myself to be satisfied with just being near him.

Things quickly changed once our team began preparations for the Dark Tournament. Concerned by Kuwabara's lack of experience with fighting youkai, Hiei and I agreed to share our human teammate as a sparring partner so he would have as much practice as possible. Unfortunately, my sessions always left me with a faster heartbeat than I cared to admit. Worse, every time I fought I received a potent dose of testosterone, that pesky hormone which prepares a person's body for battle as well as awakens carnal desires. Denying my attraction to Hiei became a torture. But calming my lust was of lower priority than making ready for the tough fights ahead, so I made myself endure each session. Of course, my comrades never made it easy for me.

And then there was the fact that they never seemed to wear shirts when they trained…

During my breaks between spars I watched Hiei and Kuwabara fight. I let myself admire Kuwabara from time to time, amusing myself by imagining the gawky human boy as my lover. I felt safe in doing so because I knew I would never really pursue him—he was far too enamored with Yukina to notice me. I didn't feel as secure when I watched Hiei. Deep down, I feared the temptation would be too much. He entranced me with the grace and precise command of his movements, the way his muscles shifted with each sharp swing of his practice sword, the way his skin shone as it became slick with sweat. Inari help me, I wanted him. I wanted to see if he could keep his careful control while I ran my hands over his chest and licked the salt from his skin…

One day I couldn't watch from the sidelines anymore. Hiei had just performed a simple judo throw and flipped Kuwabara onto his back, and he smirked with an almost boyish pride as the human lay prone at his feet. That display of youkai dominance was…well, it certainly caught my attention. I pressed my thighs together, a bit embarrassed by the sudden heat I felt between them. I shouldn't have been so aroused, but the thought of Hiei playing rough was a little too much for my imagination.

"_Hiei," _I spoke up, a plan quickly forming in my mind. _"Kuwabara is exhausted. Let him catch his breath; you can come over here and spar with me instead."_

Hiei let go of Kuwabara's forearm and turned to me, looking intrigued by the proposition. We had never sparred before then—I'm still not sure why. The look in his eyes reminded me of a small boy trying to weigh the potential risks of an adventure but unable to conceive of greater danger than scraped knees. I abruptly wondered if he was too young to be desired. Did his deep voice and handsome body belie his age? He flickered away and reappeared in front of me with his eyebrow pertly raised.

"_I'm not going to go easy on you,_" Hiei warned.

"_I wouldn't expect you to_," I said, forcing myself to sound calm even as my heart began to pound.

Not another word passed between us before his hands were suddenly on me. Oh Inari, to feel those hands…! My head spun giddily even as his fingers skidded over my arms to try to latch on for a throw. His feet were moving too, quickly slipping and sliding around my ankles in an attempt to sweep my legs out from under me. I could barely focus on the fight as Hiei's body pressed insistently up against mine and tried to wrestle me to the ground. We carried on for about ten minutes, but soon my distraction left me open to a clean sweep. I had just enough time to snag my ankle around his before we both fell with a thud.

For a few seconds we lay there, Hiei's smaller body crumpled on top of mine, catching our breath. Then he gripped my shoulder tightly in one hand and moved his face close to my ear.

"_I win_," he growled quietly.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end when I heard that husky voice in my ear. I had heard men talk after fights before and knew their voices tended to get lower and rougher, but this was something else…something so primal that it made me ache inside. I told myself that Hiei only sounded like that because we had been fighting, but it did nothing to calm my body or ease my mind. I hoped he would stay still, because if he moved I might die of disappointment.

All too soon he let me up, and I hastily got to my feet and turned away so he wouldn't see the evidence of my desire. I felt guilty for initiating that fight just to get him to touch me, but… At least now I was certain he was no boy. That spine-tinglingly sensual voice was proof of it.

That night I let Hiei enter my fantasies for the first time. I simply couldn't keep myself from it any longer; the tension that had been building in my body was too much to bear. So I locked my window and closed the curtains, praying Hiei wouldn't make a visit to my room. I asked Inari to forgive me for betraying my friend's wishes. Then I lay down in bed and used my imagination to transform our friendly spar into a tantalizing sexual fantasy. I imagined his rough hands grasping my wrists, his full weight pressing down on my body, his warm breath tickling my neck…and most of all, his voice in my ear. Under my breath I whispered his name and pleaded with him for his forgiveness, his love, and many other things I knew he would never give.

I admit, I did feel guilty the first few times I thought of him. Yet I felt certain that I would die if I continued to repress my desires completely. I was doing it only for the sake of survival. With that mindset, I could look Hiei in the face every day no matter what I had imagined the night before.

Contrary to my fantasies, Hiei still wouldn't let anyone near unless they were sparring with him or they had food or medicine. So I volunteered to treat his wounds after his daily sessions with Kuwabara. He could have done it by himself—one simply does not survive in Makai without knowing the basics of healing—but I greedily snatched up every opportunity. I took my time applying medicinal herbs and balms, secretly savoring those moments when I could touch him. I loved the contact, loved that he let me close. I was content with having his trust even if it wasn't quite what I wanted.

By the time the Dark Tournament came, I was inescapably in love. What's more, as our team settled in at the Hotel Kubikukuri I imagined Hiei was showing interest in me too. When we took our evening coffee he sat down beside me, and when it was time to choose our rooms he quickly dragged me inside one and locked the door behind us. Of course, he probably just didn't want to go near our other teammates because Yusuke was a slob, Kuwabara was Kuwabara and no one knew anything about the Masked Fighter. Still… He sat the way I did, held his cup and saucer the way I did, mirrored my every move. And after he'd locked the door to our room, I couldn't help imagining all the possibilities that came with such close quarters.

I wanted to believe that he was growing fond of me. I wanted some indication that he felt as strongly toward me as I did to him. It's possible that I was reading too far into his actions. Still, as I lay in my bed that night I looked at the youkai who sat watching the moon from his windowsill and thought, just maybe…

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The third chapter will be out next week. As always, reviews are appreciated.

-Testosterone makes people more aggressive, which is why testosterone levels go up if you're fighting. It is also responsible for sexual arousal; it's what makes your voice get all low and sultry when you're horny. :P


	3. a battlefield

Perceptions

by Mayushii

All copyright materials are property of their respective owners.

A/N: Thanks to **saiyuri-dahlia**, **tori**, **Little Sadako**, and **Jumpingbeans480 **for reviewing last time! This chapter takes place during the Dark Tournament pre-finals, and the plot revolves around possible interpretations of Hiei's protectiveness of Kurama. May contain unreliable narration.

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_**-Love is a battlefield-**_

On the first day of the Tournament, Hiei started acting very oddly. To this day I'm not sure what caused the change. It was as if Hiei simply woke up that morning and decided to be…well, there is no word which would adequately describe it. His voice was filled with warm assurance when he spoke of my talents, as if he were proud to have me as a partner—had he been so pleased with me before? And he showed genuine concern for me when Roto threatened my mother in the first match—when had he started caring about my human attachments? He even went so far as to use his Jagan to monitor Roto's partner while I fought, and he informed me as soon as the accomplice had fled, making sure that I knew my mother was safe.

And he _smiled_.

It wasn't much, just a small uptilt of his lips, but combined with everything else it was absolutely baffling. My first thought was that he had gone insane. Or perhaps the smile wasn't really meant for me. That made sense, didn't it? Maybe Hiei let me see the smile because my win against Roto was the reason we were advancing in the Tournament, but it was not for me as a person so much as for what I could do for him. Of course… That must be it. And it stood to reason that he had only reassured me of my mother's safety so I wouldn't be distracted. He needed me to stay focused so I could be of use to him. Yes, it sounded logical.

My theory would have made perfect sense, but it had one obvious flaw. I _wasn't _of use to him—he wouldn't let me be. That very same day, Hiei stopped letting me care for him.

I didn't know what to make of it. He refused my offer to heal him after he used the Kokuryu-ha, even though the dragon had left his dominant arm crippled with burns. Two days later, when we were waylaid by Dr. Ichigaki's minions, Hiei would have sacrificed his other arm to summon the Kokuryu-ha again rather than let me protect him from the metal monster. He wouldn't even let me interrogate Ichigaki's assistant, ordering me only to watch while he tortured the youkai—despite the fact that he had to use his damaged hand to do it. His insistence about doing everything himself confused me even more than his sudden kindness toward me. What was the point of looking after my interests if he wasn't going to take advantage of my help?

Things were even stranger when we returned to the arena and I was forced to take on half of the Mashoutsukai Team on my own. I was too distracted to notice what Hiei was doing, but apparently Yusuke watched Hiei during my fights for some reason only they two understood. Right after the match Yusuke taunted him about his observations, grinning with an almost devilish delight as he told me how concerned Hiei had been for my safety. In fact, Hiei had been _so _worried that he had put himself in danger several times. He had tried once more to summon the Kokuryu-ha after Touya had drawn his ice sword against me, and he and Yusuke both had been prepared to tear the stadium apart in my defense when Bakken had tried to kill me.

"_But you couldn't have!" _I said, looking at Hiei with confusion and dismay. _"If you had intervened, we would have been disqualified. Then they would have killed us all. I would rather let Bakken beat me to death than let you get yourselves killed for my sake."_

"_Yeah, well, I guess we just cared more about you than about ourselves," _Yusuke said proudly. But Hiei didn't look proud at all. His face was dark red, his teeth clenched tight enough to crack. He looked like he was about to murder Yusuke on the spot.

Around that time the girls found their way to us. Yusuke winked and waved goodbye and went off to talk with Keiko in private, and Yukina quickly bowed to me and Hiei before running to check on Kuwabara. It was as the ice maiden hurried away that it suddenly struck me.

Hiei had been treating me the same way he treated her.

All of the pieces fell into place at once. His kindness toward me, his concern and encouragement, and also his fierce rejection of my help… Since the Tournament's beginning he had been treating me just the way he would treat a young girl. He played the part of a guardian, protecting me yet refusing to accept anything in return. It might have been funny if it weren't so unsettling. And my sense of turmoil was only heightened when I realized what else his actions might imply. If he was treating me as he treated his sister…perhaps he had started to regard me as a sibling. Horror jolted through me like lightning at the thought. He couldn't feel that way, oh Inari he _couldn't_! If he thought of me as family, how would he react if he knew I was in love with him? How would he react if he knew how often I dreamed of his embrace? To be barred by hatred was one thing, but to be barred by love—that was a thousand times worse.

That night our suite was crowded with both the Urameshi Team and the girls who had come to watch us fight. They were in unusually high spirits that evening. Not being in the mood for a party, I quickly excused myself. I needed time to absorb everything that had happened that day. When Hiei followed me into our room I was stricken with sudden terror at the thought of being alone with him.

"_Why are you following me?" _I snapped at him, trembling slightly even as I tried to hide my fear with aggression.

Hiei stared at me with his eyes wide open and adorably confused—I wanted to wretch. A brother. That was how he wanted me to see him. How could I see him as a brother when he looked like this?

After a long moment those beautiful eyes dropped to the floor. A strange look came over his face, and then he raised his mauled arm like a maiden offering her hand to be kissed. _"It's a nuisance trying to bandage this damn thing on my own. And I don't think any of those fools even know how to wrap a bandage."_

I took in a shaky breath in an attempt to calm myself. So, he had finally accepted that he needed healing. But there was a fully trained healer right outside, so why was he—oh, of course. Hiei didn't want to intrude when Yukina was having fun with her new friends. Taking another deep, calming breath, I motioned for him to come closer and opened the drawer of the nightstand to retrieve my medical kit. By the time I turned to look at Hiei he was seated on the edge of my bed. I kneeled before him and started to work, first using medical scissors to cut away the shreds of black flesh, then spreading an antibiotic and a soothing salve over what little skin remained, then covering the sticky mess with clean white bandages. When I had finished, I stared at his arm and wondered how I would ever look him in the eyes again…

"_Kurama. Are you going to be okay?" _I glanced up at Hiei, hoping for one desperate moment that he had noticed my distress and wanted to reassure me. _"By the semifinals, I mean. The way that sweatsack was pounding on you, I wasn't sure you were even alive."_

I lowered my eyes to the bedspread beside him, feeling like a fool. Of course he just wanted to make sure I could fight. He was probably worried that I would lower his chances of survival. I really was pathetic, getting my hopes up like that…

Then Hiei reached up and tucked some hair over my ear. Shocked, I snapped back to his face and stared at him intently. Hiei kept his eyes on my hairline, frowning and pushing a few more strands back. He was merely trying to get a look at one of my wounds. That was just the sort of thing a brother would do. I flinched and angled my head away, not wanting to feel his hand in my hair. Not wanting to enjoy being touched by him when he clearly didn't have a clue what he was doing to me.

"_Come here,_" Hiei said sharply. He seized my chin with one hand, staring at me with an annoyed frown on his face. "_Why are you acting this way? You were the one who insisted that I needed medical attention, and here you are behaving like a stubborn child about it yourself._"

I opened my mouth, wanting to tell him how very, very wrong this was, but I couldn't make myself speak. Hiei's frown softened just a little as his stare trailed from my eyes to a cut on my cheek. He reached toward the medical kit beside him, picked up a tin of healing balm, and began to rub it gently into my wounds. I was so distraught that I couldn't even thank him.

The following morning Hiei insisted that I take someone with me to the Gokkai Rokukyou and Uraotogi Team's match. When I asked why he felt I needed an escort he said that I was too weak from yesterday's fights to defend myself if I were ambushed. Annoyed but knowing he had a valid point, I told Hiei that I would take Kuwabara with me. He quickly dismissed this idea on the grounds that the fool was even weaker than I was (I didn't bother to point out that Kuwabara had been brimming with energy since his healing session with Yukina). I said I'd take Yusuke then, and Hiei's eyes narrowed. He couldn't argue that Yusuke was too weak, so he simply said that our team leader was "_busy_." I finally wondered aloud if the Masked Fighter was free. At this Hiei snarled angrily and grabbed my arm, grumbling that I was a pain in the ass.

We made it to the stadium early, so we set out to find a decent vantage point for scoping out our next opponents. Most of the crowd leered as we made our way up through the stands. I had trained myself to block them out, so it wasn't until halfway up that I realized they weren't shouting their usual death threats. Instead they were calling to Hiei, offering him a seat among them if he'd ditch the weakling human. Hiei kept walking without paying them the least bit of notice—and why wouldn't he? He wasn't the one who was being insulted.

If I felt insecure then, it was nothing compared to how I felt after our battle against the Uraotogi Team. Hiei had never made a secret of his disdain for humans, but I had thought he had at least come to tolerate my humanity. My fight with Uraurashima changed that. Once Hiei saw how that miserable little beast's Gyaku Tamatebako restored my youko form, he was less than pleased to have me back in my normal body. Worse even than the look of disappointment on Hiei's face, though, was what happened to my own perceptions. For a few fleeting minutes, the strength of my former life was returned to me. I could pick out the scent of every youkai in the stadium, I could hear every word they muttered, I could feel every tiny change in the wind and every blade of grass in the ground. I could feel eyes on me—Hiei's eyes, looking at me with respect and admiration. And when my youko form slipped away again, Shuichi Minamino seemed pitiful by comparison.

As I left the ring, the weight of my red hair resting on my back and that oppressive human skin clinging to my bones, I tried to convince myself that I was only imagining it. I reasoned that my human body was just as good as my youko one. Once our team started arguing over who would fight Shishiwakamaru, Hiei made it clear that he thought differently.

"_You let me fight," _he ordered me. He said it with every expectation that I would bend to his will. I could have punched him. But I managed to hold my temper and instead suggested a game of jan-ken-pon that I knew Kuwabara would win. The look of annoyance on Hiei's face when he realized he would have to play a human game made me feel a bit better, and his frustration after he lost to Kuwabara filled me with bitter satisfaction. Of course, that didn't last long. As soon as Kuwabara lost his match and Shishi rolled the absent Masked Fighter's name, Hiei stepped forward to steal her turn without so much as glancing at me. It was as if he didn't think I was qualified to fight anymore.

After the battle—entirely won by Hiei and Genkai—I pasted on a smile and reassured Kuwabara that our efforts had also contributed to our team's victory. The lie may have made him feel better, but it did nothing to ease the wound Hiei had dealt to my own pride.

Things didn't get any better after that. During the long intermission before the next match, I returned to our room and stripped down to my pants so I could treat the newest of my wounds. Hiei opened the door just as I was dabbing ointment onto some shallow cuts on my forearm. He took one uneasy look at me and blurted that he needed to train and wouldn't be back until tomorrow. Glaring, I spat that if he was tired of sharing a room with a _weakling human_ he should just say so. He flushed, no doubt embarrassed that he had been caught, and mumbled something unintelligible before leaving.

I stared at the doorway where he'd just been standing and then scowled down at myself. My body looked so…fragile. So pale and slender and delicate that even the slightest injuries seemed life-threatening. It was no wonder he treated me the way he did. I rubbed my palm against one of the cuts, breaking the flimsy seal of the scabs and smearing blood along my arm. If I were Youko Kurama, he wouldn't see me as his inferior. He would see me as an equal; he would love me. If only I could recover my youko form! If only I could escape from this wretched human body…!

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The fourth chapter will be out next week. As always, reviews are appreciated.

-technically, Shishiwakamaru was the one who beat Uraurashima. Shishi stabbed him with his sword before Ura could tell Kurama about the box. This is why Kurama claims that only Hiei and Genkai really contributed to the overall team victory.


	4. a peace found in a friend's embrace

Perceptions

by Mayushii

All copyright materials are property of their respective owners.

A/N: Wow, lots of reviews for the last chapter! Thanks go out to **Jumpingbeans480**, **lesfriendly**, **saiyuri-dahlia**, **Little Sadako**, **ardentes**, **Ashen Rose Shadow**, **SounnyKitty**, **Kuro Tenka**, and **shiorifoxiesmom**. Sorry this chapter is late, but I was writing it and it ended up being 3000+ words…without even showing the actual Karasu/Kurama fight. -_-; So I've separated it into two. The first part takes place after the Uraotogi Team fight and deals with Kurama's first meeting with Karasu, and the second skips ahead to just after the finals end. I'll be uploading the second part next week.

-Hey, I'm posting something on my birthday! My roommate got me a cake and we're having a tea party with my Kuwabara plushie. Hooray!

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_**-Love is a peace found in the cradle of a friend's arms-**_

It's quite disturbing, really, looking back on this now. In retrospect I can see how obsessed I was becoming, but back then it never bothered me. In those days Hiei was the center of my world—but I know it can't have been entirely my fault. How could I not feel that way? No matter how old and clever you are, nothing can prepare you for first love. When you fall for the first time, you fall hard. It's clumsy and painful and you won't have a clue how to get back up once you've been brought to your knees. Sometimes you can catch yourself before the fall, but I didn't know that then, and I was no better prepared for heartache than any other human.

However, there was a brief period when I managed to shift my focus away from Hiei. That, I suppose, is the only good thing I can say about the Dark Tournament's final days. It was a highly stressful time, since our lives depended on the outcome of our battle with the Toguro Team. But then, there were so many other things happening during those last few days that I couldn't cope with it all at once. I had no time to think about my childish infatuation, not when my survival was at stake. So I pushed my feelings for Hiei to the back of my mind and focused on more immediate perils. After all, there were much greater dangers to me at that time than a bit of unrequited love.

…Perhaps that is poorly phrased. In truth, unrequited love was precisely what posed the clearest threat to me. It just wasn't my love for Hiei.

I'm not sure when Karasu first noticed me. He must have started watching me as soon as the Tournament began, because when we fought later he knew the technique I had used to kill Roto in the first round. In fact, he seemed to know _everything _about me. He even knew the route Hiei and I usually took through the stadium. If only Hiei had come with me to watch the semifinals as Genkai had told him… But he had decided his time would be better spent trying to master the Kokuryu-ha, so I went back to watch the fight on my own. If only I hadn't been so distracted… But I had just seen our soon-to-be opponents tear apart the poor fools who had been pitted against them. If only I hadn't been so damn vulnerable…

But when I was caught alone in that dark hallway, faced with two members of the Toguro Team, I had no one to blame but myself. I shouldn't have let my guard down, shouldn't have assumed that I would be safe. In that moment, when Karasu and Bui blocked my only escape, I could do nothing but brace myself and pray they would wait until the finals to kill me.

Even worse than being unable to defend myself was being unable to hide how defenseless I was. My body was weak, so hopelessly weak, and they both were so terribly strong. I struggled to remain calm as the two youkai stood across from me, and it only grew more difficult when I noticed Karasu's piercing stare. His eyes were sharp and cunning, but my face seemed to inspire a special intensity. At the time I couldn't quite place where I had seen the look before; I only knew it boded ill for me.

I was anticipating some kind of attack, so when Bui punched the wall beside him I fell for the diversion like an amateur. Before I knew what was happening I felt Karasu's hands moving around my neck, fingers poised around my throat. The only thing that kept me from shaking was fear—fear that the slightest tremor would press my skin to his. I could feel the unnatural heat pouring from his fingertips as they ghosted over my jugular, so very close that I felt ready to burst even without his explosive energy inside me. Then he moved to my hair instead, caressing it with surprising gentleness. For a moment my mind went blank. Oddly, it reminded me of Hiei's touch from a few nights before…

And suddenly I noticed just how close Karasu's body was pressed against my back, just how heavy his breath was on my neck. I could feel the dangerous heat coming from places other than his hands. As my insides writhed with revulsion, he whispered in my ear that he knew my feelings toward him. He knew that, as frail as I was, it was only natural for me to be drawn to his power. I might pretend to be repulsed, but it was only a front I put up for the sake of pride. Secretly, I was curious about his touch. Secretly, I wanted it…

I turned to strike at Karasu, but my breathless cry of "_get away!_" only seemed to amuse him. He openly told me how much he liked me and how much pleasure he derived from the thought of destroying me, crushing my resistance and utterly dominating me. And as he walked away, pleasantly calling for me to save my fight for him, I knew he would do far worse than kill me when I faced him.

As soon as he was out of sight I staggered over to the wall and gagged.

Karasu lurked in the back of my mind for the rest of the day. The twin threats of rape and murder were troubling, but it was his reason for wanting to kill me that truly got under my skin. He wanted to kill me because he was taken with me. If that did not convince me of the dangers of a youkai loving a human, Genkai's death at Toguro's hands certainly did. Humans to youkai are nothing more than cherry blossoms—beautiful in full bloom, yet so frail and weak that they soon wither. Any youkai who truly loves a human must inevitably endure the pain of seeing that human die. This is why so few youkai let themselves become attached to humans in the first place.

Yet there are always collectors like Karasu—those who will pluck a flower at the height of its beauty and press it between the pages of a book to preserve it. This was what Karasu wished to do to me. But how can a pressed flower ever be what it was in life? Perhaps it will retain traces of its color and scent, but it will be flat and dry, with not a drop of the moisture which forms the basis of life. I would hate for my body to be so preserved.

Then, just as I was beginning to despair, Suzuki offered me the Zense no Mi. He told me his potion would have the same effect as his teammate's Gyaku Tamatebako. I didn't trust Suzuki at first since he had been our opponent so recently, but in hindsight I understand why he gave me such a gift. He had seen my beauty in my youko form and wanted to see it again. His reasons were shallow, but they worked in my favor; one small sip of the fruit's juices turned me back into my youko form for several minutes, and after that I knew I would defeat Karasu. I would not be picked and pressed and preserved.

Still, that didn't change the fact that my human body would waste away on its own. I might be able to keep myself from being taken by a youkai, but I couldn't protect myself from the ravages of time…

That night I had a nightmare. At first I didn't recognize it as such, which is probably why it frightened me so. It was like my other tender dreams of Hiei's embrace, and after Karasu's unwelcome advances I was all too happy to fall into my friend's arms. But then when Hiei kissed me, my body shuddered and started to decay. I began to cry and scream, begged him to let me go, but he only held me closer and made gentle shushing sounds. He told me not to worry as my decomposing body turned to dirt and slipped through his arms.

When I woke, I bitterly thought it was lucky after all that Hiei had gone out training. At least he wasn't around to see me cry.

* * *

_A/N: If Kurama is getting a little dramatic here, he gets worse next chapter…and then we finally get someone to knock sense into him. Not that that will last, but it's a bit of a break from dramaqueen!Kurama that I'm sure everyone really needs. (Actually, I personally think the next chapter's kind of funny, but I'll leave that to you guys. Some people apparently aren't as amused by melodramatic Kurama angst as I am.)_


	5. a balm for wounds of the soul

Perceptions

by Mayushii

All copyright materials are property of their respective owners.

A/N: I'm glad that most people seemed to enjoy the previous chapter. Thanks to **She-Elf4**, **saiyuri-dahlia**, **ardentes**, **Little Sadako**, **shiorifoxiesmom**, and **SounnyKitty** for the reviews. :D This chapter takes place after the finals but before they leave the island. Grr, this chapter makes me mad… And it's supposed to be a really important one, too. It's probably because I'm not sure if all the symbolism really gets through. Throughout the story I've been using blood as a symbol for love and/or madness, and this chapter you should be seeing some of the motifs of the previous chapters—decay, love-as-battle, spiritual strength which can help carry burdens of the past, and of course drastically mistaken perceptions—coming together a bit.

-A certain piece of dialogue has been taken from the Japanese version instead of the English dub. It adds a bit to the drama of this chapter and becomes sort of plotfully important later.

-The reason there isn't really much of a present-day reflective "intro" to this chapter is that it was originally part of the previous chapter. It does have the conclusion, though.

* * *

_**-Love is a balm for wounds of the soul-**_

The Tournament had been won. Hiei had found an ingenious way of mastering the Kokuryu-ha—allowing it to possess his body—and even Bui had stood no chance as Hiei channeled the dragon's strength. Kuwabara had used the versatile Tameshi no Ken to crush the elder of the Toguro Brothers, and Yusuke had clinched our team's victory by killing the younger Toguro with a powerful blast of energy. They had been spectacular battles, ones that would be remembered for years to come.

But I had lost.

It was galling, to say the least. Mine had been the first fight, and though I had killed Karasu in the end, I had not done it in time. Even after my plants drained the disgustingly hot blood from his heart, Karasu had been named the victor. I had lost to a dead man. Yusuke and Kuwabara had tried to reassure me that it was okay, that my killing Karasu was the real victory, but I couldn't get over it. If Hiei or Kuwabara or Yusuke had lost any of their fights, the Toguro Team would have won the Tournament. And if I hadn't killed Karasu, he would have been granted his wish.

_I wish to place you at my side forever…_

Karasu's threat rang in my ears and reverberated through my soul, making me shake and shudder. Hours had passed and I still couldn't get it out of my head. I had come close, so very close to such a horrific end. I had thought that Karasu had wanted only to kill me, but in reality…he had wanted to _destroy _me. He asked the Tournament Committee to place me at his side forever. After the torture Karasu put me through during the battle, I knew that being bound to him would be a fate worse than death. I should probably be grateful that he made such a threat; without it I might have been willing to accept defeat and let him live until I could get stronger. But when I heard his wish, I knew I couldn't let him live. With no spiritual strength left to resist, I tapped into my life force in order to kill him.

After the finals, I needed to clear my head. I returned to the hotel suite our team had shared and spent nearly an hour in the bath, scrubbing and scraping at my skin until it turned red. Eventually Kuwabara demanded use of the toilet, and as I left the bathroom he made a passing remark about how I took longer than a girl. I tried to smile, unwilling to admit that I didn't feel any cleaner than I had when I first entered the bath. I could smell Karasu's energy in my wounds, a scent like corpses and gunpowder. It made me feel filthy.

I went back to my room, prepared a bowl of herbal water, and found my medical kit. Once everything was ready I took off my bathrobe and left it on a hook by the door. I sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to treat my wounds, but my hands were shaking too much. Why were they shaking? Why couldn't I do this? I tried to steady myself only to split a wound on my shoulder. My face twisted with pain as blood poured from the wound. The charred black hole, the blood flowing out of it… It looked like rot.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when the door was flung open. I had been so absorbed in my thoughts that I hadn't sensed anyone approaching. Embarrassed by my lack of awareness, I clutched my open wound to stem the flow of blood and angled my body in an attempt to hide my shoulder.

"_Hiei,_" I grumbled with annoyance. _"What are you doing, barging in like that?_"

I stopped when I noticed how Hiei looked. He stood motionless in the doorway, his hand lingering on the door—no, not simply lingering. It was tensely splayed on the flat surface with fingers rigid and curved until they resembled claws. His face was startled, his eyes wide and his lips parted in surprise. Then those eyes blinked, regaining some of their composure, and slowly trailed down my body. An uncomfortable blush crept up my cheeks. I had never been fully naked with him before, and the way he studied my pale skin and bleeding wounds was unsettling. I curled inward, shoulders hunching and legs drawing up together in an attempt to conceal my many injuries. There was no way I could hide everything. He was seeing so much… I frowned and put on a cold expression, not wanting to show any signs of intimidation as his eyes reached my feet and then quickly flicked back up to my face.

"_What are you doing?_" I tried to keep my voice strong, but I was breathless with fear and embarrassment and anger at myself for feeling either of the other two. "_Why are you here?_"

Hiei tipped his head to the side as if to consider me. Then he disappeared in a blur of black, making me gasp sharply when he reappeared in front of me. I prepared to scramble backward, put my foot on the edge of the bed and leaned back on my hands, but he grabbed my wounded arm by the elbow to keep me from escaping. I was acutely aware that I had no spiritual energy left while he had all the strength of the mastered Kokuryu-ha behind him now. I gritted my teeth and glared into his eyes—so strange to have him so close to my own level, but since I was leaning back on the bed and he was standing upright we were nearly eye to eye.

"_Yusuke said you're the one who warded my arm and treated my wounds while I was asleep,_" Hiei stated flatly. I tipped my head down, as close to a nod as I was willing to give at the moment. "_Good. Then you shouldn't mind if I return the favor._"

I frowned at him, taken aback by this attitude and wondering what had brought about such a change in the supposedly selfish demon. Hiei didn't seem to notice my distrust. He picked up a cotton pad from the medical kit beside me, pressed it against the wound on my shoulder, and held it there with his thumb while he reached into his pocket. Out came a handkerchief, a square of black silk, which he quickly soaked in water before bringing it to my arm.

A small shiver ran down my body and a soft breath left my lips as he stroked the smooth silk along my arm and up to my shoulder. Hiei took no notice of either as he wiped away the streaks of blood, cleaning me. The black cloth absorbed every drop of red, remaining untainted by the color while my skin regained its whiteness. Clean again, though not completely the same; the cloth left glistening droplets of water on my skin. He looked at my arm appraisingly, making sure there was no trace of red left, and lifted the gauze just long enough to dab at the blood underneath. Then he dropped his handkerchief in the bowl of water and reached instead for a bandage.

It was a curious feeling. I had offered him healing so many times, but this was only the second time he had volunteered to do the same for me. Yet here he was tending to my injuries as if he did this sort of thing every day. After a few minutes of this, Hiei sent an odd look up at me.

"_You should have said something. It would have saved us all a lot of grief._"

I gave Hiei a confused frown. He brushed a careless finger against my shoulder, the place where Karasu had set off his first explosion. Then he looked at me again with that same strange look in his eyes.

"_I've never seen rape carried out in quite that way_," Hiei said casually.

A sharp choking sound left me. I had tried to laugh off the heavy accusation, but my breath had caught in my throat.

"_Rape, Hiei?_ _Don't be absurd. It was a fight, nothing more._" Hiei's eyes darkened. Of course he didn't believe me. I didn't even believe me. I looked away, embarrassed and starting to feel very uncomfortable with those grimly determined eyes focused on me. He looked like a soldier planning an attack. I felt like I should be preparing to defend myself, but I had no idea what kind of weapons he was sharpening in his mind. "_…It's none of your concern. It was just a fight._"

"_Oh, I see. Then that plant you used against Karasu—ojigi, was it?—I suppose you chose it by coincidence._" I glared defiantly as Hiei's first blow tore me open and made the blood rush to my face. He was right, of course. I had used ojigi, with its resemblance to fanged vulvae, more for its meaning than for its usefulness as a weapon. "_And when he kept calling you beautiful and talking about intimacy, of course he didn't mean anything by it._" The second strike fell, another I couldn't defend against. Another wound reopened. Damn Karasu, why had he said such things when everyone could hear him? Why couldn't he have been more discreet? "_The way he looked at you when you were trapped, at his mercy—the black lust in his eyes as he made you scream—I imagined it._" This was the rape Hiei had mentioned. True, it had not been rape in the sense a human would understand, but Karasu had penetrated my defenses without my consent and derived sexual pleasure from it. As far as youkai were concerned, he had violated me.

I wanted to be strong. I wanted to pretend that I wasn't affected, not by what Karasu had done to me or by Hiei's inexplicable desire to reopen the wounds. But I couldn't pretend. I couldn't be strong when Hiei was standing in front of me, staring unflinchingly at my face, able to see everything, every hint of pain and embarrassment. And he wasn't finished yet. He had one more strike, one final attack that he had not yet used. I held my breath and awaited the blow that would finish me.

"_When he said his wish for winning the Tournament would be to keep you at his side forever…I suppose that was just a figure of speech._" Hiei growled softly. "_You still think you can act like it was 'just a fight'? Because I have no time for your fantasies of denial._"

I opened my mouth, wanting to defend myself, to deny everything. I couldn't. He had cornered me. The only option left to me now was surrender.

Hiei was still looking at me, watching and waiting for me to admit my defeat. I hated him. I was weak and humiliated, and his intense eyes only made me more aware of it. I hated it so much. This wasn't what I wanted, I didn't want to be put at his mercy. But I couldn't kill him the way I had killed Karasu. I had no choice but to submit.

"_I…_" I averted my eyes, wanting to die of shame. "_I suppose you're right._"

He kept staring at me. Why was he still staring? I had given him what he wanted, so why did he continue to stare? Did he just want to engrave the image of my disgrace in his mind so he could remember it?

Then, quite suddenly, he disappeared. I blinked and glanced around warily, wondering where he had gone. A sharp tug on my ankle made me yelp and glance down. Hiei was kneeling on the floor in front of me, bandages back in hand and head bowed so I couldn't see his face.

"_You defended yourself well," _he said gruffly as he began to dress a wound on my left calf.

"_Just like I'm defending myself well now,_" I couldn't help saying, my voice breaking horribly. I hadn't defended myself at all, I had just let it happen. First Karasu, now him. And Hiei was mocking me for it. To be defeated was one thing, but this ridicule was too much.

Hiei finished wrapping the wound on my calf and reached one hand up to the kit beside me in search of another bandage.

"_Stop,_" I muttered. "_Stop it. You've done enough. I will do the rest myself."_

"_Kurama, if you were going to heal yourself you would have done it already,_" Hiei said dully, grabbing a new bandage. Instead of starting work on the next wound, he paused and looked up at me with suspicion and resignation in his eyes. "_Don't think I don't know why you haven't. You're scared of touching the wounds because you know how much it will hurt, so you've just been covering them up and hoping they'll heal on their own. But you can't leave it to chance or fate or whatever you want to call it—if you do that they'll probably just rot away. You have to uncover the wounds and deal with them sometime. It will hurt at first, but it's better for you in the long run. You know that._"

Hiei touched my knee with light fingertips. The next wound he wanted to treat was on my thigh, and I suddenly realized why he had stopped. He couldn't wrap a bandage around the wound unless my legs were apart. His touch, gentle and undemanding, was his way of asking permission to continue. He was offering me some small amount of control—I could close or open myself to him. Either way I would be hurt. I knew I should accept the more immediate pain, open up to him and speed my recovery. Of course I should. This was not about logic, it was about trust. Did I trust him to heal the wounds? Did I trust him enough to be vulnerable with him…with a demon who could use his newfound strength to crush me just as easily as he could lend that strength to me?

Blushing, I looked away from him and parted my legs. He gave me a short nod of approval before turning his full attention to the wound. I sat tense, waiting for something, anything…but he kept his eyes on the wound and his hands never strayed. I looked down at him, working steadily and unfalteringly, and I felt my nervousness slowly fade away. He wasn't going to hurt me. I was safe. Of course I was; why had I ever doubted that? I had always trusted him before, there was no reason to distrust him now.

It is difficult for me to tell just what happened between us that day. One moment Hiei acted so harshly, and the next he was kind. I can say for sure that Hiei wanted to help with my physical wounds, but I am not certain about the rest. Forcing me to relive the trauma of Karasu's obsession… Was that his attempt to keep me sane and prevent me from slipping into denial? Or had he wanted to confirm his own suspicions, see me brought low, and attain dominance over me that he had never really had before then? Selfless and selfish…both seemed plausible given his actions up until that point.

All I know is, whatever his reasons, he had done exactly what I had needed him to do. If not for Hiei I would have kept my experiences with Karasu to myself, and that secret would have destroyed me. Like physical wounds, emotional wounds can heal with time, but it's a slow process and rarely successful. Oftentimes the wounds become infected and slowly eat away at the soul. However, reopening the wounds—revealing them to someone else—while painful at first, provides the chance for the wounds to be properly tended. Hiei caused me pain when he forced me to face what Karasu had done, but in the end, it really _was _better for me. I just wish I knew why he did what he did.


End file.
